Cloverfield- spoilers

Hopefully, by now anyway, you've heard of the movie Cloverfield. It was introduced to us by a brilliant viral marketing campaign that didn't even tell us the name of the move, just gave us the severed head of the Statue of Liberty crashing through downtown New York.

As the months went by more but not much was revealed to us. But it all came down to this; a giant monster tears the hell outta New York and some twenty-somethings have to survive it. And I know what your thinking, " Oh. A monster movie set in New York? Clearly this is an allegory for the terrorist attacks on 9-11."

And you'd be right.

This wasn't a monster movie, even though there's one in it and you get to see it, it is a survival horror/drama movie. The monster is the inciting incident in the lives of these young adults. It changes their lives in an instant. It forces them to re-asses what is truly important to them; the relationships they have and those they want to form. This is a character driven piece that explores the effects of random terror and tragedy on the human condition. It's intercut with excerpts from a happy day the main protagonist of the story spend with a young woman. The conceit is the film is real and was filmed on a digital camera owned by the central character. There was a tape already in the camera, this tape was one he used to film the day he fell in love with a young woman.

So, if you want to see a squad of plucky pretty people come together to save the city don't go see this one.

But if you want to see a movie about people having to deal with terrible events, random and senseless death, and after its over has the audience quietly shuffling out wondering what it was they just saw then go see this one.

I would say I loved this film, except that I literally had to grit my teeth to keep from vomiting on the people in front of me. The shakie-cam was that bad. My wife was so motion sick she had to close her eyes and look away from the screen for long periods of time. So, for her it was more of an interesting radio drama with a lot of heavy breathing, running noises, and screaming.

As it stands, I like it. I think it's a great allegory for the terror attacks on New York and is the first in what I think will be a long line of Monster Movies that are set in New York.

I recommend it, but honestly it can wait until you can get it through Netflix.

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In which I review the movie Stay Alive

Short review: It should have been named Stay Away.
In all honesty, it's not that bad. I've seen far worse "horror" films that
should be re-classed as a "borrer" film. You know, horror movies that
are actually quite boring.

I thought it was clever.

Anyway.

Stay Alive ain't bad, but it's not good either.

Longer review:

So, my wife loves horror films. Just loves'em. And I get to watch them with her. I can't stand horror films, but whaddya gonna do? So, we get this one in, and I expect complete and utter garbage. It starts with a guy playing a video game. Then we have a young couple having sex while wearing pig masks.

No, they don't explain that.

Then those three die.

Then some new people show up. And they play the game together. Then they start to die. And they discover that how you die in the game is how you die in real life. The survivors find out the game is based on Elizabeth Bathory.

Not to be confused with the historical serial killing Elizabeth Bathory from Hungry that lived in the late 1600's. No, this woman ran a boarding house/finishing school for young women in pre-civial war South.

We learn this from a "local" woman who has an "authentic" Cajun accent that makes her sound an awful lot like Elmer Fudd. Apparently, everyone who lives in town knows about it. Except the people who are playing the game. Even though they have lived in the town their whole lives.

They invent some crap about witches not being able to cross the path of a rose.

Then they come up with "we gotta put a nail in her head, her throat, and her heart. Then we gotta burn her blood!" Burn her blood?!?

Keep in mind that this villian died before the Civil War. and they're gonna burn her blood.

so, of course they get closer and closer to the witch. Yes, more and more of them get killed along the way. At this point they discover that playing the game can effect reality. What they do in the game effects what happens in a corresponding real world location. Since one guy is still playing, and he drops things for the other characters to find while they're hunting through the house for the witch. Which, is honestly, an interesting concept that plays with levels of reality and perception. But the movie ignores this idea and drives on with the kill the evil witch thing.

Then they find out she's not in the house at all. I know, I was completely shocked too.

She's in the Black Tower that is in the middle of the extensive necropolis out behind the house. Which they had missed up to this point. Because the only gateway to it was covered in wild roses.

I guess wild roses also stop believability. whatever.

Somehow they decide they have to go into the tunnels under the necropolis to get to the Black Tower. Of course they get chased by some ghosts of tortured young women. And they find her. Surprise, surprise, she's been perfectly preserved all these years. And the one guy who gets there to stop her has a lame phobia with fire.

But he's completely cool driving nails into her body. He just can't bring himself to set her on fire.

Then he sets her on fire after all. They get away. Then the end shot, the game has shipped mass market. Now 1000's of people will be playing the game, oh gawd no!

Which makes me think the ghost/witch/bathory woman didn't really think this out.

The horror survival genre has a small, but dedicated audience. They will play the crap outta that game. They won't stop just because they died once. They'll immediatly hit reload and start all over again. She's gonna have scores and scores of game nerds whooping her in the
game, then discovering that they have to find her in real life.

Do you wanna tell these people their chosen escape from reality is reality now?

She's gonna have 100's of gameboi's running all over her black tower,creaming their jeans because the game is real! THE GAME IS REAL!!11!!1

Just imagine this: You're a mass murdering villain out for souls, blood, or whatever. You're chilling in your Black tower, reaping the harvest of your nefarious game plot. When, all of a sudden your corpse is getting burned.

Every 15 minutes.

The "easy prey" you had been stalking are now on your lawn growing rose's like mad, they've herded your ghosty minions into easy killzones. And you've got people "camping" in your tower waiting for you to respawn. They're demanding that you drop better loot.

You dont' even know what loot is.

See? she just didn't think this out.

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oh no!

somehow I sprained the middle knuckle on my left hand!

No, I have no idea how I did either. But it is rather painful to type anything involving a d, e, or c. The Doc ordered 7 days of joint rest, so no typing for me.

Well, maybe some typing. But not much.

I just don't get not being able to type. At all. All of my hobbies and my job all involve typing. It's not like you can get away from it in the modern world. I mean, this is the 21st century, even our cars run windows!

Go google ford trucks if you don't believe me about the Windows thing. Gives a new meaning to BSOD, doesn't it?

So, yeah. I'm gonna stop typing now, because I've lost more movement in my finger. And it's starting to swell.

and that's not very swell at all.