So, as most of you know my wife reported she was pregnant about two months ago. We have been trying for kids for some time now. And, by trying I pretty much mean we stopped using birth control awhile ago and didn’t worry about it.
And, after the better part of a decade we thought it was never going to happen. All the women of her generation on both sides of her family have had trouble conceiving. We had even started to look at adoption. Until recently. With the pee stick giving us the good news, we have been smiling and happy in a way we didn’t know we could be happy. I pride myself on always being able to find the words for things. To be able to say, ‘it was like eating the best meal your mother ever made.’ or ‘it was like being told you were not only the great at your job, but the very best at what you do’ or 'congratulations, you have achieved the highest score in the history of mankind. You are the smartest person ever.’ It was a sense of accomplishment. But it was more than that. It was exciting, exhilarating, and any other ex word you want to use. All that and more.
And, it was one of the few times in my life my father was actively engaged in what was going on. He called every few days to see how we are doing. He actually called my wife’s phone after we were supposed to be out of a doctor’s appointment. He’s never called her before. Ever.
I had a sublime sense of completion while at the same time being dizzyingly overwhelmed.
Have you noticed I’m using the past tense yet?
Because this week we got some bad news from the doctor. My wife’s progesterone levels are falling. Not low, but falling. And that more than likely means it is a non-viable pregnancy. Which is not to say she’s had a miscarriage. Not yet anyway. But her levels are falling, when they should be rising. But she's still getting morning sickness. She's not having any cramping. Or any of the other signs of a miscarriage. So, we still have hope.
But then, hope was one of the things inside Pandora's Box, wasn't it? You know, the thing that contained all the evils that prey upon mankind. That box. Hope is just the paper mâché mask of despair. You hope tomorrow will change because today is terrible. You hope that things will be different because you do not know how much more you can bear. Yeah, that hope.
We tell ourselves that it's nature taking care of things. That if this is happening so early, it was never meant to be. That it doesn't have eyes. Or a brain. That it will never have a broken heart. Or fall in love. You tell each other that it is for the best. That there is always tomorrow. That things can change.
But it doesn't help.
Not one bit.
And, after the better part of a decade we thought it was never going to happen. All the women of her generation on both sides of her family have had trouble conceiving. We had even started to look at adoption. Until recently. With the pee stick giving us the good news, we have been smiling and happy in a way we didn’t know we could be happy. I pride myself on always being able to find the words for things. To be able to say, ‘it was like eating the best meal your mother ever made.’ or ‘it was like being told you were not only the great at your job, but the very best at what you do’ or 'congratulations, you have achieved the highest score in the history of mankind. You are the smartest person ever.’ It was a sense of accomplishment. But it was more than that. It was exciting, exhilarating, and any other ex word you want to use. All that and more.
And, it was one of the few times in my life my father was actively engaged in what was going on. He called every few days to see how we are doing. He actually called my wife’s phone after we were supposed to be out of a doctor’s appointment. He’s never called her before. Ever.
I had a sublime sense of completion while at the same time being dizzyingly overwhelmed.
Have you noticed I’m using the past tense yet?
Because this week we got some bad news from the doctor. My wife’s progesterone levels are falling. Not low, but falling. And that more than likely means it is a non-viable pregnancy. Which is not to say she’s had a miscarriage. Not yet anyway. But her levels are falling, when they should be rising. But she's still getting morning sickness. She's not having any cramping. Or any of the other signs of a miscarriage. So, we still have hope.
But then, hope was one of the things inside Pandora's Box, wasn't it? You know, the thing that contained all the evils that prey upon mankind. That box. Hope is just the paper mâché mask of despair. You hope tomorrow will change because today is terrible. You hope that things will be different because you do not know how much more you can bear. Yeah, that hope.
We tell ourselves that it's nature taking care of things. That if this is happening so early, it was never meant to be. That it doesn't have eyes. Or a brain. That it will never have a broken heart. Or fall in love. You tell each other that it is for the best. That there is always tomorrow. That things can change.
But it doesn't help.
Not one bit.
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